Naughty, Naughty

Many things infuriate me as I rush headlong into middle age. British politics. World politics. Political correctness. Rio Ferdinand. Health and safety. My neighbours. Your neighbours. Almost anything involving other people. And women on diets who say “Ooh, aren’t I being naughty?”

I simply can’t understand where their definition of “naughty” comes from. Mine’s from the Oxford English dictionary, the definitive text-book of our glorious language, and it simply states “(especially of a child) behaving badly”. To me that means throwing a tantrum or some building blocks or maybe slapping another child because they wouldn’t let them play with a particular yellow toy truck. Those children are naughty and should be punished.

But women on diets? They’re not being naughty. They’re eating cake. They’re breaking a promise that they made to themselves to abstain from such fattening delights. And they’re lying to themselves while they do it because they still believe that they’re keeping their diet going but just being naughty, ‘just this once’. They literally want to have their cake and eat it, but not suffer the calorific consequences.

And they always say it with a conspiratorial smile too, maybe even a wink, as if to imply a question “you won’t tell my Weight Watchers class leader will you?” Of course I won’t, but I hope you don’t expect me to keep quiet next week too when you’re whining about how you’ve not lost any weight?

It’s simple. If you want to lose weight then stick less food in your face and move about a bit more. That’s the only rule. And if you want to save money stop giving it to charlatans who prey on fat folks like fake-psychics prey on the needy and desperate and just follow this one simple magic formula instead.

Less food + more movement = less you.

I’ve embarked on this quality rant because, as you’ve no doubt guessed, my own weight is infuriating me at the moment. I know what I should do and I’m not really doing it. So I feel miserable. So I eat. So I get fat. So I feel miserable…   My weight might not be coming down but my Cadbury and Mister Kipling shares as going up nicely.

I’ve read recently that one of the best fat-burning exercises is doing squats while holding weights at throat level. That sounded doable so I gave it a go. Hold weights at throat height. Keep back straight and gently lower into squat position. Now, keeping back and shoulders straight and tummy tucked in, push up. Never mind if it hurts, keep going. Do as many reps as you can and then push for ten more. Don’t even think of giving in. What are you, French?

So I did as many as I could and then some. I repeated this for several days. I’m now just as fat as ever but I seem to have done something to my knee.

So it’s back to the drawing board. I need to lose some weight.

Now I wonder how I should go about it...?